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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
hackers play passwordle
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Growing up was a huge mistake
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later