I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Happy Friday
Squirrels before girls.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.