Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
In banana years, I am bread.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave