“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She鈥檒l never be able to wear them.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[18 years after texting a guy 鈥淚鈥檓 pregnant鈥漖
Him: hey I just saw your text
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don鈥檛 forget the condoms!
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.