*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Labreador
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.