Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
How animals would run if they were human
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit