My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.