Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Raisins are grape jerky.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.