Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.