Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.