Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably