Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Please do it!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Thursday Thought.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.