There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol