I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Breaking news:
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.