[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.