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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..