Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
You Might Also Like
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Time heals everything 🙂
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
White parent Vs Arab parents