Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*sewing*
A thread
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.