When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha