I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.