You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Stop it! 😂
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.