Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.