Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Good dog. ❤️
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.