Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
#SaturdayBears
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.