My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.