Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.