*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me driving through Toronto
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”