Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.