sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”