I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
men, we mow at sunrise.