Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*pronounces fake like saké*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
No, I don’t think I will.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.