“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
#Caturday
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right