Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”