There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?