You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.