Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’M CRYINGGG
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
can’t catch a break
🥶🥶🐶🐶
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.