As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.