ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables