Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
You Might Also Like
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.