Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
But that’s none of my business
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I would move hell over six inches for you
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.