Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Clients after you give them your rates
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Noah
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.