An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Seek kebab; not attention
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with