Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You Might Also Like
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord