pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
#Caturday
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!