*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I identify as an antique shop.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The three genders
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.