Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
What’s a Messi?
work smarter, not harder
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.