Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?