Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley