Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa