GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.